A couple of weeks ago, I had a post on the abomination that is lab-grown meat. In our efforts to stay on top of things, I came across the following article on yet another silly breather idea. I’m talking about meat alternatives. You can read about this heresy here.
Apparently some of the still living choose to eat some vile fake meat stuff created from something called tofu. Having seen some of this stuff close up, rest assured that we at For Zombies can say without a doubt that this stuff looks nothing like the real thing. Where’s the blood, man?
However, the sad truth is that some of the not too bright members of our horde just can’t tell the difference and are gorging on this stuff without realizing the trouble in store for them. In case I haven’t stressed this enough – zombies require an all meat diet. These “meat alternatives” do nothing for us but give us gas. Have you ever been around a farting zombie? Rest assured that this is not a pretty thing. Over time, the gas buildup is too great for a decaying digestive system and the poor zombie finally explodes.
It’s just not fair. If this stuff was causing the still living to have issues the government would be all over it. But nobody cares about exploding zombies. One might even say that this is encouraged.
What have we zombies ever said bad about vegetarians? Or even vegans for that matter? Carnivore, vegetarian or vegan, you all taste the same to us. We are equal opportunity cannibals.
Lastly, the article goes on to discuss some class of people called “sometimes vegetarians.” Who are we kidding here? “Sometimes vegetarian” sounds like “almost undead.” You either eat meat or you don’t.
We at For Zombies are disgusted. We demand that all production of meat alternatives cease immediately. We are not a patient lot and in the future may take it on ourselves to bring the horde to the nearest Tofurky factory and stop production the way we do best.