Let’s face it – being a zombie wasn’t always so easy.
In the good old days our existence was hidden behind an outrageous combination of puffer fish poison and Haitian mind control stories in which only the weak-minded and Hammer Horror aficionados believed. Free to roam the world at will, we munched on whom we liked, when we liked without repercussion. The glistening bones and shallow graves we left in our trail were blamed on serial killers and psychopaths by head-scratching law enforcers with a nervous tic in their eye.
We were like Gods.
Then along came some bearded skinbag named Romero and our cover was blown. Overnight we became Enemy Number One; hunted down like rabid dogs to be shot, decapitated or worse. Entire zombie communities were devastated through arson attacks or mass consignment to vivisection labs for anti-aging cream experiments. Those of us who survived the pogroms were reduced to skulking around in the shadows, eating when we could – which wasn’t often – and appearing as extras in terrible B-movies.
Things quickly became intolerable.
It was a British socialist zombie self-help group that gave birth to the Zombie Liberation Front, a movement that rapidly spread around the world. They changed the way we were perceived forever, and thanks to their selfless sacrifice, it’s now ‘cool’ to be a zombie, with young skin bags emulating us at parties, clubs and cosplay events. There’s a global day of ZombieTM action, where skin bags dressed as zombies shuffle and stumble through cities, risking ridicule and personal harm to raise money for charity. We have our own ZombieTM brand, which turns out thousands of t-shirts, makeup and perfume (Eu de BraiiiinnnnssssTM) for the skin bags to wear, and we’re paid handsomely as consultants for terrible B-movies.
Some would say it’s a miracle.
Unfortunately, the conservative right, together with their pals the religious right, are trying to return us to the dark AR days (After Romero). Not content with denigrating their own skin bag women and minority groups to the status of chattels and target practice respectively, they’re now casting their beady eyes in our direction. However, the spirit of the undead is strong and proud, as witnessed in a recent article from the Oklahoma Morning Star (reproduced with kind permission etc)
LOCAL BAPTIST CHURCH MASSACRED IN GAY ZOMBIE ATTACK.
At least 15 members of the controversial Eastburg Baptist Church were butchered outside a comic book and sci-fi convention in Oklahoma City yesterday.
Tensions began when delegates, dressed as a variety of sci-fi characters, were greeted by demonstrators waving placards stating ‘Spock is a Devil’ and ‘God Hates Batman’. Efforts by a squad of stormtroopers from Vader’s Fist Garrison to ‘move’ along the protestors failed after a Captain James T Kirk (Original Series) led two Jokers and a gaggle of Slave Leias into an attack against the placard wavers.
The fight was interrupted when a large group of what appeared to be Walking Dead fans, dressed in full zombie costume and dripping with blood and brains, arrived. But as the demonstrators soon found out, they were in fact GLITZ activists (Gay LesbIan & Transgendered Zombies) who had organised a hasty counterdemonstration.
Zach Ledger of Centralia, Ill, was there as Captain Jack from Pirates of the Caribbean. “It was awesome,” he said, as he plaited his beard. “There was brains and shit flying all over the damn place. Some Silent Hill fans got involved. I saw a Dark Nurse in the thick of it, elbow deep in someone’s guts, and she wasn’t even a real zombie.”
Such a heartwarming story goes to show we may be dead, but there’s life in us yet to fight the long and fierce battle ahead.
Unlive long and prosper my brain-chomping friends, ‘cos it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady gets eaten.