School Can Be a Killer

Child ZombieI decided to home-school my three little rotters about a year ago. There were many reasons, but the principal reason was social. My kids simply don’t get along with breathers, and there seemed to be no solution.

I first noticed a problem when my middle child was labeled a biter. It was only the one time, and the other kid still has nine fingers, so I still don’t see the big deal.  I suspect anti-undead prejudice.

Then my daughter got sent home from middle school for fighting.  The other girl called her a freak, and my daughter bit her nose off.  I was willing to let the name-calling slide, but the other girl’s parents threw a fit about emergency anti-viral treatments and plastic surgery, and my daughter was suspended for a week.  This helicopter parenting is getting out of hand if you ask me.

But when my younger son got sent to the Naughty Chair for eating the class hamster, I decided that a change had to be made.  After much thought and research and a long talk with local law enforcement, I decided that home-schooling was the way to go.

Family members questioned my decision.  Will they develop necessary social skills? (They need social skills?)  Will they listen to you as well as to their teachers?  (Better—I don’t run screaming from the room half a dozen times a day.)  Will you be able to challenge them academically?  (A person with half a brain can meet most state academic requirements. And I think I’ve got about that.)  Now everyone is more supportive.  My kids are happier, and so are their former teachers.  I heard recently that my daughter’s home room teacher is doing well, and with a few more weeks of therapy she’ll be able to go home.

Perhaps you’re considering a home-schooling environment for your own little monster. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself before you begin.

What are the local laws about home-schooling?  It’s hard enough protecting the kids from neighbors banging down the door every time a cat disappears without dealing with a truancy officer on top of it.

What are the state requirements for a child’s education?  Know what your children need to learn and know if you’re up to the task. If necessary, make arrangements for extra tutoring and classes for anything you’re not comfortable with.  My daughter is currently using an Internet tutor for help in world history, since the closest I’ve ever come to the subject was the time I ate that French neo-Nazi.

Are you confident? You’ll need all the self-confidence you can get.  Once it sinks in that YOU ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILD’S EDUCATION, you’ll suddenly feel like you’re trapped in a farmhouse with nothing but a few boards and nails between you and slow death.  Without self-confidence, you might as well roll yourself in barbecue sauce and call it a day.

Yum.  Barbecue sauce.  You know what?  Go ahead and roll yourself in barbecue sauce anyway.  I hear it’s good for the skin.

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