Sun, Surf, and Rotting Flesh

Summer is well and truly upon us. The days are longer, the nights are shorter and children are running wild in the streets like hors d’oeuvres on legs. But while we’re all enjoying the benefits of the neighborhood ice cream truck, let’s take a few minutes to review some important tips, both for ourselves and our own little shamblers.

Sunscreen. I can’t stress this enough. Even if cancer is no longer a concern, it’s in your best interests to slap a little on, especially if you’re going to spend the day stalking beach goers. When a zombie peels, he REALLY PEELS. My older son forgot this rule last weekend and lost half the skin off his shoulders. His left arm fell off, and the lifeguard got away. Wrecked the whole pool party.

Dehydration. Unless you want the appearance and mobility of an Egyptian mummy, keep yourself moistened. You don’t need to dry up and start crumbling. If the CDC doesn’t get you, the National Geographic Society will. You don’t have to buy fancy bottled water from the snow-covered mountains of deepest Canada. Just hit yourself with a garden hose once or twice a day.

Water safety. Obviously drowning is no more a concern to most of us than cancer, but nobody wants to lose their lunch making a foolish mistake. Don’t go chasing after breathers at the beach unless you know the depth of the water they’re in. You could slip and get caught in an undertow, and then you’d have to walk all the way back and probably get nibbled on by fish the whole way. Happened to my daughter two summers ago. The boys still call her Fishhead.

Fireworks. Know the difference between the sound of an M-80 and the blast of a shotgun. I think that’s all I need to say about that. RIP, Uncle Arthur.

In addition to safety, here are a few fun tips and tricks for making your summer more enjoyable.

1. When you go hunting at a barbecue, wait until the party’s almost over before you attack. The slowest ones are always the last to leave.
2. Look for breathers who are applying suntan oil. They may as well be basting themselves to a crispy golden brown.
3. Avoid hunting at dusk. Insect repellant tastes NASTY.
4. Mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream flavor ever invented by man.

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