Until Death?

The issue of marriage equality has been all over the news lately. More and more polls indicate that the majority of Americans support the granting of equal marriage rights to consenting adults of all races, sexes, and stages of decay. For social conservatives, this can be disconcerting. They would like to pretend that healthy nontraditional relationships don’t and can’t exist. “How do I explain it to my children?” they cry. So let’s talk about zombie marriage.

Zombies are consenting adults. Sure our communication skills aren’t the greatest, and sometimes we get a little slow when our brains start to rot. But after spending the last few years on the Internet and especially on certain social networks and discussion forums, I don’t think anyone has the right to look down on me for only having half a functioning brain. Compared to some of the comments on Youtube, I’m downright gifted.

“But it’s not right!” the conservatives cry. “The wedding vows say ‘until death do us part’!”

For your information, my husband and I wrote our own vows, and that phrase wasn’t included. Not everyone copies their wedding off a template. Not everyone even gets married in a church. People get married in courthouses, movie theatres, and graveyards. And spiritual beliefs are just as varied. My hubs and I will part when God, fate, or a twelve-gauge shotgun decides, not an arbitrary, traditional couple of words.

“But zombies can’t have children and can’t reproduce! There’s no reason for them to get married!”

What on earth does physical reproduction have to do with a legal contract between two people? The two can and do operate completely independent of each other. Besides, anyone who has studied epidemiology knows that zombies are aces at reproduction. In fact, we’re better at it than most breathers. On a good day I can make ten new zombies in a single afternoon, whereas my breather compatriots can’t make more than one a year without ending up on a reality show.

“Next zombies will want to marry our dogs or our children!”

What exactly would be the point to that? We may want to devour your dogs—especially if they’re yappy, ill-trained little rats that don’t stay on their own property—but why would we want to marry them? A dog can’t even cosign a mortgage, and good luck getting alimony out of a ten year old.

“It’s unnatural and goes against what Jesus would have wanted for us!”

You’re reading this right now on an electronic talking screen that probably would have sent Jesus screaming into the night about demons and witchcraft. When you can Skype your opinions on a stone tablet, then you get to whine about what’s natural and unnatural.

“It’s just gross.”

Aaaand, here we have it. The very heart of the matter, the real crux of the argument. Zombies are icky, therefore zombies shouldn’t be allowed to marry each other. Following the same logic, we should probably ban marriage between ugly people, too. After all, unattractive people are more genetically likely to have unattractive children. Won’t someone think of the children?????

Oh yeah, and how can breathers explain it to their kids? “They’re holding hands because they’re in love, sweetie. They’re shambling this way because they’re hungry. Now hold on tight to that rifle and don’t forget the double-tap.”

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